It's a few minutes before Devin replies, while he tries to figure out how to respond. He has a feeling that this is territory he doesn't want to wade into unawares.]
I can do that. He can't be that hard to find.
[What with all the new Dreamfolk living at the Bridge. Thus far, all Devin knows about Fitz is that the Fool loves him, he has a tendency to fly off the handle, and he's pissed the Fool off. That should be plenty to go on.]
I'm not so obtuse as to ask if you're okay, but hopefully things will sort themselves out eventually.
[there's a bit of a pause before the Fool's response arrives--either because it still takes him a while to text, or because he's gathering his thoughts.
his message is succinct when it arrives.]
Thank you, Devin.
[then, a bit later,]
He is infuriatingly short-sighted but his heart is in the right place.
[he'd have laughed at the comment, on a better day. now, he's only too aware of how Fitz's short-sightedness has wounded those who love him best... and yet, how often he has prioritized the well-being of others, in that short-sightedness, without considering how he might be wounded in the process. oh, Fitz.
as for whether insensitivity is truly Devin's default setting,]
Is it? I think not. But I am unyieldingly foolish, yet you put up with me anyway.
[There is faint confusion on the other end of the conversation. Typically, Devin would consider himself being the one to put up with, not the other way around.]
You're definitely unyielding.
[He's been finding it hard to do anything other than put up with everyone who insisted on spending time with him. That is the problem with what he is: even if he wants to leave, this is the safest place, the largest city, the biggest population he can reach that's already equipped to address his 'dietary needs'. It is safest for everyone else that he stays.
But Devin chose to live alone in no small part because he would rather be around people, and he knows he must not allow himself that luxury. Here-- here he has fewer degrees of freedom, and keeps breaking his own rules. It would be delusional to say he's only done so because the Dreaming gave him no other options.]
[the Fool can spot a deflection from a mile away--even via text message, it would appear. Devin's little jab has him laughing quietly to himself, rather than taking offence; by some small margin, his mood has improved through this exchange, and that is no small thing to be grateful for.
there is no additional response for a time. the Fool sits with his yimo open, contemplating saying something, because it feels right to do so, but possibly he's too weary after his conversation with Fitz to form a witty enough retort.]
Well I shall leave your inbox in peace for the rest of the evening, I think. It is late.
[It's a tease, and Devin can't decide if this is a wise sort of banter to engage in. Usually, he threw barbs intended to be genuinely unpleasant. This is... not that.]
[The banter gives the Fool pause, too, though his smile lingers at the corners of his lips as he considers the screen. For a moment he contemplates another response, then decides against it. He sets the device aside for the night, though truthfully, he remains preoccupied by the conversation until he falls asleep.]
[The Fool is gifted at remaining hidden when he does not wish to be found; he's a bit like a cat that way. Nevertheless, it's approaching dusk a day later when Devin's yimo will buzz with a new message.
Opening it will reveal a picture, presumably taken from the turtle's head. It's reasonable to suppose that the Fool is there now.]
[Devin is immensely relieved to hear from the Fool, but it takes him a little while to figure out his response. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.]
I wish I could have done more. I wasn't sure I'd hear from you.
[He wouldn't have begrudged the Fool from never wishing to see him again, or at least being angry. A second message arrives before too long.]
I holed myself up in the mountains for almost a week, when something similar happened to me here. The Dreaming doesn't pull it's punches.
[It's an offer as well as an explanation: he had not wanted to be around anyone for days and days, so he's not surprised that the Fool has left the city.]
[As an explanation, it answers a few questions that the Fool has harboured privately, though he has not asked them aloud. As an offer, it gives him pause. An offer of what, precisely?
Some moments pass before he responds,]
It seems especially gifted at identifying that which we most wish to remain hidden, and unveiling it to the world. I'm sorry you have endured it as well.
[Devin does not need to know the exact translation of that word to know that it's unfavorable. He's not sure if he should be surprised that she's hounding after him; maybe he would be, under different circumstances.
What parts of his mind that aren't preoccupied with numbness and fear have been taunting him with his own cowardice. A minute or two goes by before he responds - in text. He doesn't trust his own voice right now.]
[Valdis always did know best how to wound him. It's perhaps not the ideal tactic, at the moment. The comment only encourages his guilt and his reticence to be anywhere on this continent.
He recognized what X was saying in that call as his own thoughts. His own torture. It's all he can think about right now; no one should remember what it feels like to have their heart cut open with that much clarity.]
You of all people should know better than to say that to me.
And you, of all people, should know that you aren't the only one whose suffering has been exposed.
[Valdis knew those words, she knew which parts belonged to her past, which meant she knew which belonged to Devin. There was some blurring to be sure, but the pain in X's voice, the fact that he now knew everything, how could he not be filled with repulsion?]
There is an accordingly longer delay before this reply, while Devin goes to a different room so he does not break the yimo with his bare hands. Almost ten minutes pass before he has wrestled back enough calm to answer her cutting words.
X is not responsible for Valdis' actions, nor does he deserve the maelstrom that's surely assaulting him. Devin knows this.]
I am what I am.
Some day, Valdis, perhaps you will stop trying to motivate me so viciously. I don't suppose it occurred to you that I lack your perfect equanimity, or that my weakness and my selfishness might make me less than useless to X until I could look at him and not see what she did to me?
Or maybe it did, and you just don't give a damn. Next time, Valdis, all you have to do is bloody ask.
You're right, I don't remember the same traumas you do. I don't remember being torn from my family or my soul being ripped to shreds. But don't you dare, even for a second, think that I don't give a damn about you.
[She'd walked into that maelstrom Devin, as an empath, she knew just how painful it all was. X's personal pain, paired with almost three thousand years of terrible memories he didn't deserve, was overwhelming. So perhaps trying to coherently express the fact that Devin was needed might be a little difficult.]
It seems I must remind you that your name wouldn't have worked if there wasn't truth in the meaning.
[Pointing out that he meant not giving a damn in this particular situation rather than generally is probably not going to be well-received. He's also not forgotten her empathy - how could he? - and while that did not factor into his initial reaction to X's post, it did when he'd managed to rein in his racing thoughts. His own mental state added to X's would not have improved the situation for her, were they there together.]
It is for the root of that very truth that I needed time.
[As much as Devin wants to disappear, he has a responsibility to X. That burden is his to bear, not the reader's; figuring out how Devin could even help him was no simple task.]
The fact remains that you do not need to beat me with my own failures to get me to do something. I have not been sitting on my hands since the call.
[Turning words to justify his own self-hatred...holding it together when he was being so difficult, and trying to deal with X...If only knocking X out would fix things, but it would probably only give him a worse headache. If Devin had a fix or a way to help lessen the tension...now she was getting a headache.]
If I truly thought you a failure, I wouldn't expect more from you. I don't waste energy on idiots and fools.
Then perhaps you will consider something other than insults when you want to prompt me into action.
[Should he have gone to X immediately? There is an argument that goes both ways, and by now the past cannot be changed. At least now Devin has some vague semblance of a plan, rather than panic.]
I will be there in an hour, [he repeats]. And that is all I have left to say on the matter.
[Devin is not home when he receives the message, but thank all the gods he's not out in public when he goes white as a sheet. He retreats to the farthest corner of the library, where only other staff will be, and tries not to panic.
He can't stay away. He can't be careful. He can't leave this alone.]
[It certainly doesn't come across as a request. X might be amused at how similar this is to previous events with his family, if the thought of seeing Bobby again didn't fill him with childlike terror.]
Okay. I'll see you as soon as I'm done.
[He may not have suggested or even thought of it himself, but X isn't stupid enough to turn down safe harbour when it's offered.]
[Of course Meira would find Zephyr. Of course. Well, at least she'd be in reasonable hands, if Zephyr's guarding of X was any measure to go by.]
She's not my 'puppy'; I'm just looking after her for the moment. [A pause and a slight sigh.] Thank you for letting me know she made it there safely. If there's any trouble I'll come collect her.
[There is silence for a beat or two while Devin considers the relative wisdom of snapping at Zephyr.]
She has a mind of her own and I will neither keep her confined to my apartment nor leash her to me wherever I go. You'll find she's surprisingly capable for a ten-year-old, lack of opposable thumbs aside. [Meira was, after all, still a Hellhound. Slighty more amused:] She got you to make the phone call, didn't she?
I'll reimburse you if they won't put her purchases on a tab for me.
Never said she didn't have a mind of her own. Good job letting your kids wander unaccompanied and depend on strangers, though. Remind me not to let you babysit.
[Asshole is not said, but Zephyr sure hopes it's understood.]
[Zephyr clearly has no idea what he's just done with those words, or he might think better of saying them. It strikes at a forbidden hope, and settles heavily on the belief that Devin is only good at destroying things. For Meira's sake alone, he won't march down to that cafe to break Zephyr's jaw, no matter how tempting the idea is.]
And here I thought I was the king of cruel and insensitive assumptions. You can have that crown; I'm done with it.
[A bit of time passes before Devin replies. He wonders now just how much Valdis remembers, and how he feels about it. He hasn't forgotten Zephyr's comments. Probably something to delve into later.]
You needed help. Anani seemed to think I was the best candidate to provide that; I did what I could.
[Don't try to wave off the thanks, Devin, she doesn't offer it often.]
He's a smart cat.
[Valdis isn't inclined to be completely honest, but the truth was that she didn't really have anyone else, no one that she could count on in every situation. She loved Pepper, and X would have tried...Anani could have chosen either of them, but he hadn't.]
[He's almost as bad at apologies as he is accepting gratitude or compliments.
There is a long stretch of time until Devin can compose a response, most of which is spent staring dumbly at the screen. He wonders, distantly, if she knows the weight of what she's saying. It's not thrown out there with empty sentiment, that much he knows.]
I don't expect I'll have another chance to find out, but I won't do you a disservice by arguing.
[It may be the closest Devin can manage to saying thank you, for his refusal to even entertain the idea that he would be allowed such things runs deep.]
[There were many factors to parenting that she didn't know about, having not been one herself. But she had seen what might pass for good parents, and he had displayed many of those qualities, not that he'd believe her.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
text;
I realize I said I would arrange an introduction to Fitz for you, but I'm at my wit's end with him. Could you approach him on your own?
[a pause, and then another shortly thereafter,]
At least until I've got my temper in check.
[clearly their chat went very well.]
text;
It's a few minutes before Devin replies, while he tries to figure out how to respond. He has a feeling that this is territory he doesn't want to wade into unawares.]
I can do that. He can't be that hard to find.
[What with all the new Dreamfolk living at the Bridge. Thus far, all Devin knows about Fitz is that the Fool loves him, he has a tendency to fly off the handle, and he's pissed the Fool off. That should be plenty to go on.]
I'm not so obtuse as to ask if you're okay, but hopefully things will sort themselves out eventually.
text;
his message is succinct when it arrives.]
Thank you, Devin.
[then, a bit later,]
He is infuriatingly short-sighted but his heart is in the right place.
text;
[Wait, that probably isn't helpful. A second message quickly follows the first.]
...Sorry, that was insensitive.
[A third message, in which he might be trying to cheer the Fool up with dry humor:]
It's my default setting.
text;
[he'd have laughed at the comment, on a better day. now, he's only too aware of how Fitz's short-sightedness has wounded those who love him best... and yet, how often he has prioritized the well-being of others, in that short-sightedness, without considering how he might be wounded in the process. oh, Fitz.
as for whether insensitivity is truly Devin's default setting,]
Is it? I think not. But I am unyieldingly foolish, yet you put up with me anyway.
text; cue introspection
You're definitely unyielding.
[He's been finding it hard to do anything other than put up with everyone who insisted on spending time with him. That is the problem with what he is: even if he wants to leave, this is the safest place, the largest city, the biggest population he can reach that's already equipped to address his 'dietary needs'. It is safest for everyone else that he stays.
But Devin chose to live alone in no small part because he would rather be around people, and he knows he must not allow himself that luxury. Here-- here he has fewer degrees of freedom, and keeps breaking his own rules. It would be delusional to say he's only done so because the Dreaming gave him no other options.]
And you're less annoying than a lot of people.
text;
[the Fool can spot a deflection from a mile away--even via text message, it would appear. Devin's little jab has him laughing quietly to himself, rather than taking offence; by some small margin, his mood has improved through this exchange, and that is no small thing to be grateful for.
there is no additional response for a time. the Fool sits with his yimo open, contemplating saying something, because it feels right to do so, but possibly he's too weary after his conversation with Fitz to form a witty enough retort.]
Well I shall leave your inbox in peace for the rest of the evening, I think. It is late.
text;
[It's a tease, and Devin can't decide if this is a wise sort of banter to engage in. Usually, he threw barbs intended to be genuinely unpleasant. This is... not that.]
Good night, Fool.
text;
[The banter gives the Fool pause, too, though his smile lingers at the corners of his lips as he considers the screen. For a moment he contemplates another response, then decides against it. He sets the device aside for the night, though truthfully, he remains preoccupied by the conversation until he falls asleep.]
evening, a day after the memory incident;
Opening it will reveal a picture, presumably taken from the turtle's head. It's reasonable to suppose that the Fool is there now.]
A beautiful evening.
[a pause, then,]
I'm all right. Thank you, for trying to help.
no subject
I wish I could have done more. I wasn't sure I'd hear from you.
[He wouldn't have begrudged the Fool from never wishing to see him again, or at least being angry. A second message arrives before too long.]
I holed myself up in the mountains for almost a week, when something similar happened to me here. The Dreaming doesn't pull it's punches.
[It's an offer as well as an explanation: he had not wanted to be around anyone for days and days, so he's not surprised that the Fool has left the city.]
no subject
Some moments pass before he responds,]
It seems especially gifted at identifying that which we most wish to remain hidden, and unveiling it to the world. I'm sorry you have endured it as well.
[another pause, and then,]
I hope your friend is all right.
[Here, he ostensibly refers to Valdis.]
no subject
She's extraordinarily resilient. Bit of a pain in my ass sometimes, but we have a lot in common. And, importantly, she knows when to be discreet.
[She will answer to Devin if she's not, but he trusts her.]
As am I. Your secrets are yours to keep.
Voice
You drittsekk!
[It's Valdis and she doesn't sound happy...at all.]
Where are you?
text;
What parts of his mind that aren't preoccupied with numbness and fear have been taunting him with his own cowardice. A minute or two goes by before he responds - in text. He doesn't trust his own voice right now.]
I'm out.
[Helpful, Devin.]
Text
Of course you are.
[Stupid git.]
I thought you were stronger, Devin Parker.
text;
He recognized what X was saying in that call as his own thoughts. His own torture. It's all he can think about right now; no one should remember what it feels like to have their heart cut open with that much clarity.]
You of all people should know better than to say that to me.
Re: text;
[Valdis knew those words, she knew which parts belonged to her past, which meant she knew which belonged to Devin. There was some blurring to be sure, but the pain in X's voice, the fact that he now knew everything, how could he not be filled with repulsion?]
How dare you be so selfish.
text;
You are strong. Lie.
Your family was wrong. Lie.
There is an accordingly longer delay before this reply, while Devin goes to a different room so he does not break the yimo with his bare hands. Almost ten minutes pass before he has wrestled back enough calm to answer her cutting words.
X is not responsible for Valdis' actions, nor does he deserve the maelstrom that's surely assaulting him. Devin knows this.]
I am what I am.
Some day, Valdis, perhaps you will stop trying to motivate me so viciously. I don't suppose it occurred to you that I lack your perfect equanimity, or that my weakness and my selfishness might make me less than useless to X until I could look at him and not see what she did to me?
Or maybe it did, and you just don't give a damn. Next time, Valdis, all you have to do is bloody ask.
I will be there in an hour.
Re: text;
[She'd walked into that maelstrom Devin, as an empath, she knew just how painful it all was. X's personal pain, paired with almost three thousand years of terrible memories he didn't deserve, was overwhelming. So perhaps trying to coherently express the fact that Devin was needed might be a little difficult.]
It seems I must remind you that your name wouldn't have worked if there wasn't truth in the meaning.
text;
It is for the root of that very truth that I needed time.
[As much as Devin wants to disappear, he has a responsibility to X. That burden is his to bear, not the reader's; figuring out how Devin could even help him was no simple task.]
The fact remains that you do not need to beat me with my own failures to get me to do something. I have not been sitting on my hands since the call.
text
[Turning words to justify his own self-hatred...holding it together when he was being so difficult, and trying to deal with X...If only knocking X out would fix things, but it would probably only give him a worse headache. If Devin had a fix or a way to help lessen the tension...now she was getting a headache.]
If I truly thought you a failure, I wouldn't expect more from you. I don't waste energy on idiots and fools.
text;
[Should he have gone to X immediately? There is an argument that goes both ways, and by now the past cannot be changed. At least now Devin has some vague semblance of a plan, rather than panic.]
I will be there in an hour, [he repeats]. And that is all I have left to say on the matter.
text; just after meeting Bobby at 4th wall
no subject
He can't stay away. He can't be careful. He can't leave this alone.]
Did she hurt you?
no subject
[... didn't mean to press send. Whoops.]
I was surprised and I used her name. I think I got her interest. I lost her outside the Bridge, and I don't know where she is now.
no subject
Pack some things, you're not staying where she can find you. My apartment is warded.
[This is not a request. He'll take X kicking and screaming if he has to.]
no subject
Okay. I'll see you as soon as I'm done.
[He may not have suggested or even thought of it himself, but X isn't stupid enough to turn down safe harbour when it's offered.]
Text
I've seen your ex. Good news is that she has no demonic powers. Bad news is that her face looks slightly different now.
no subject
Hey, your puppy's here outside the café and she doesn't have opposable thumbs.
no subject
She's not my 'puppy'; I'm just looking after her for the moment. [A pause and a slight sigh.] Thank you for letting me know she made it there safely. If there's any trouble I'll come collect her.
no subject
[HE'S JUST SAYING.]
Yeah, whatever. I'll look after her for now.
no subject
She has a mind of her own and I will neither keep her confined to my apartment nor leash her to me wherever I go. You'll find she's surprisingly capable for a ten-year-old, lack of opposable thumbs aside. [Meira was, after all, still a Hellhound. Slighty more amused:] She got you to make the phone call, didn't she?
I'll reimburse you if they won't put her purchases on a tab for me.
no subject
Never said she didn't have a mind of her own. Good job letting your kids wander unaccompanied and depend on strangers, though. Remind me not to let you babysit.
[Asshole is not said, but Zephyr sure hopes it's understood.]
Don't worry, I'll take care of it.
no subject
And here I thought I was the king of cruel and insensitive assumptions. You can have that crown; I'm done with it.
If you insist on paying, be my guest.
[And with that, he hangs up.]
no subject
[...Yep. Zephyr feels a little bad about that one, but it's not like he had any other information to go on.]
[So now they both get to feel bad! Party. He puts the yimo away and goes back to Meira.]
Text
[A short pause as she tries to decide if she's actually going to say it.]
Thank you.
text;
You needed help. Anani seemed to think I was the best candidate to provide that; I did what I could.
But you're welcome.
[See, he still has manners in there somewhere.]
text;
He's a smart cat.
[Valdis isn't inclined to be completely honest, but the truth was that she didn't really have anyone else, no one that she could count on in every situation. She loved Pepper, and X would have tried...Anani could have chosen either of them, but he hadn't.]
For what it's worth, you'd be a good father.
text;
There is a long stretch of time until Devin can compose a response, most of which is spent staring dumbly at the screen. He wonders, distantly, if she knows the weight of what she's saying. It's not thrown out there with empty sentiment, that much he knows.]
I don't expect I'll have another chance to find out, but I won't do you a disservice by arguing.
[It may be the closest Devin can manage to saying thank you, for his refusal to even entertain the idea that he would be allowed such things runs deep.]
text;
[She can play devil's advocate all day long, which he knows, but it's nice to have him even partially accept what she is saying.]
You do your best to protect the people you care about, and sometimes that's all you can do.
text;
[Okay, so maybe a little arguing. He's not convinced his efforts to protect people can outweigh all of his faults.]
text;
[There were many factors to parenting that she didn't know about, having not been one herself. But she had seen what might pass for good parents, and he had displayed many of those qualities, not that he'd believe her.]
But it makes you a good friend.