[Devin does not need to know the exact translation of that word to know that it's unfavorable. He's not sure if he should be surprised that she's hounding after him; maybe he would be, under different circumstances.
What parts of his mind that aren't preoccupied with numbness and fear have been taunting him with his own cowardice. A minute or two goes by before he responds - in text. He doesn't trust his own voice right now.]
[Valdis always did know best how to wound him. It's perhaps not the ideal tactic, at the moment. The comment only encourages his guilt and his reticence to be anywhere on this continent.
He recognized what X was saying in that call as his own thoughts. His own torture. It's all he can think about right now; no one should remember what it feels like to have their heart cut open with that much clarity.]
You of all people should know better than to say that to me.
And you, of all people, should know that you aren't the only one whose suffering has been exposed.
[Valdis knew those words, she knew which parts belonged to her past, which meant she knew which belonged to Devin. There was some blurring to be sure, but the pain in X's voice, the fact that he now knew everything, how could he not be filled with repulsion?]
There is an accordingly longer delay before this reply, while Devin goes to a different room so he does not break the yimo with his bare hands. Almost ten minutes pass before he has wrestled back enough calm to answer her cutting words.
X is not responsible for Valdis' actions, nor does he deserve the maelstrom that's surely assaulting him. Devin knows this.]
I am what I am.
Some day, Valdis, perhaps you will stop trying to motivate me so viciously. I don't suppose it occurred to you that I lack your perfect equanimity, or that my weakness and my selfishness might make me less than useless to X until I could look at him and not see what she did to me?
Or maybe it did, and you just don't give a damn. Next time, Valdis, all you have to do is bloody ask.
You're right, I don't remember the same traumas you do. I don't remember being torn from my family or my soul being ripped to shreds. But don't you dare, even for a second, think that I don't give a damn about you.
[She'd walked into that maelstrom Devin, as an empath, she knew just how painful it all was. X's personal pain, paired with almost three thousand years of terrible memories he didn't deserve, was overwhelming. So perhaps trying to coherently express the fact that Devin was needed might be a little difficult.]
It seems I must remind you that your name wouldn't have worked if there wasn't truth in the meaning.
[Pointing out that he meant not giving a damn in this particular situation rather than generally is probably not going to be well-received. He's also not forgotten her empathy - how could he? - and while that did not factor into his initial reaction to X's post, it did when he'd managed to rein in his racing thoughts. His own mental state added to X's would not have improved the situation for her, were they there together.]
It is for the root of that very truth that I needed time.
[As much as Devin wants to disappear, he has a responsibility to X. That burden is his to bear, not the reader's; figuring out how Devin could even help him was no simple task.]
The fact remains that you do not need to beat me with my own failures to get me to do something. I have not been sitting on my hands since the call.
[Turning words to justify his own self-hatred...holding it together when he was being so difficult, and trying to deal with X...If only knocking X out would fix things, but it would probably only give him a worse headache. If Devin had a fix or a way to help lessen the tension...now she was getting a headache.]
If I truly thought you a failure, I wouldn't expect more from you. I don't waste energy on idiots and fools.
Then perhaps you will consider something other than insults when you want to prompt me into action.
[Should he have gone to X immediately? There is an argument that goes both ways, and by now the past cannot be changed. At least now Devin has some vague semblance of a plan, rather than panic.]
I will be there in an hour, [he repeats]. And that is all I have left to say on the matter.
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Voice
You drittsekk!
[It's Valdis and she doesn't sound happy...at all.]
Where are you?
text;
What parts of his mind that aren't preoccupied with numbness and fear have been taunting him with his own cowardice. A minute or two goes by before he responds - in text. He doesn't trust his own voice right now.]
I'm out.
[Helpful, Devin.]
Text
Of course you are.
[Stupid git.]
I thought you were stronger, Devin Parker.
text;
He recognized what X was saying in that call as his own thoughts. His own torture. It's all he can think about right now; no one should remember what it feels like to have their heart cut open with that much clarity.]
You of all people should know better than to say that to me.
Re: text;
[Valdis knew those words, she knew which parts belonged to her past, which meant she knew which belonged to Devin. There was some blurring to be sure, but the pain in X's voice, the fact that he now knew everything, how could he not be filled with repulsion?]
How dare you be so selfish.
text;
You are strong. Lie.
Your family was wrong. Lie.
There is an accordingly longer delay before this reply, while Devin goes to a different room so he does not break the yimo with his bare hands. Almost ten minutes pass before he has wrestled back enough calm to answer her cutting words.
X is not responsible for Valdis' actions, nor does he deserve the maelstrom that's surely assaulting him. Devin knows this.]
I am what I am.
Some day, Valdis, perhaps you will stop trying to motivate me so viciously. I don't suppose it occurred to you that I lack your perfect equanimity, or that my weakness and my selfishness might make me less than useless to X until I could look at him and not see what she did to me?
Or maybe it did, and you just don't give a damn. Next time, Valdis, all you have to do is bloody ask.
I will be there in an hour.
Re: text;
[She'd walked into that maelstrom Devin, as an empath, she knew just how painful it all was. X's personal pain, paired with almost three thousand years of terrible memories he didn't deserve, was overwhelming. So perhaps trying to coherently express the fact that Devin was needed might be a little difficult.]
It seems I must remind you that your name wouldn't have worked if there wasn't truth in the meaning.
text;
It is for the root of that very truth that I needed time.
[As much as Devin wants to disappear, he has a responsibility to X. That burden is his to bear, not the reader's; figuring out how Devin could even help him was no simple task.]
The fact remains that you do not need to beat me with my own failures to get me to do something. I have not been sitting on my hands since the call.
text
[Turning words to justify his own self-hatred...holding it together when he was being so difficult, and trying to deal with X...If only knocking X out would fix things, but it would probably only give him a worse headache. If Devin had a fix or a way to help lessen the tension...now she was getting a headache.]
If I truly thought you a failure, I wouldn't expect more from you. I don't waste energy on idiots and fools.
text;
[Should he have gone to X immediately? There is an argument that goes both ways, and by now the past cannot be changed. At least now Devin has some vague semblance of a plan, rather than panic.]
I will be there in an hour, [he repeats]. And that is all I have left to say on the matter.